Feedback on article/trip report

[Tank]

Hi,
I just put together a short article on diving the red sea. Im sure most of you have been there before, so just looking for feedback on the actual article itself.....good, bad or how to improve my wording ??

http://www.scubabreaks.blog-city.com/read/311693410.htm

Thanks !!
Derek

[Mark Davies]

The photography is excellent - well to my unskilled eye at least - but I expect you're happy with that and are looking on input on the writing?

Considering you've had an entire week's holiday there's surprisingly little in it about what I guess was 20+ dives. There's a bit of factual content and the stuff about your camera equipment used is really good, but not much else that grabs me and makes me think 'I really want to go diving there'.

When I do my stuff for Travel Dive I try to make it as personal as I can - it helps carry the reader along with you. As it stands your piece is all about the photographs with the writing more like captions to go with it. It could be about anyone's dive holiday - not just yours.

I'd like to read more about your own experience - but perhaps that's just me being nosey?

[Tank]

Thanks Mark!
Thats certainly helpful !
I think I understand what you mean about carrying the reader along.. Probably need to make it more of a story...
Ill try for that in the future!

Cheers
Derek.

[bubblemaker]

I'd be inclined to agree with Mark.. on both points... the photography is first class, but there isn't much reading in it..

When i write i try to make it personal.. sort of like, a cross between a diary, and what you would say if someone asked you about it!!

have a look:

http://www.scotsac.com/Scottish_Dive...0412_kcks1.htm

it isn't my finest scribblings but might give you some ideas..

[triplefin]

Hiya Derek
Like Mark I write for travel-dive and I would second everything he has said. You may find it useful to go and root out some dive magazines or read trip reports etc and do a lot of reading. Read critically and think about what makes you carry on reading the article to the end.....or conversely why do you give up and turn the page!
Your photos are fantastic so it would be worth putting in a bit of work on the writing side.
J